It's Never Too Late
Updated: Feb 12, 2020
What Keeps Us From Making Our Wildest Dreams a Reality?
For me, it's a combination of things.
My wildest dream is to be a singer. Not just at home or in the car, but a performing artist selling out shows and making waves in the music scene. Music is my greatest passion in life, yet I barely make time for it. With eyes glued to social media, I am constantly bombarded with the success of others who seem to "already be doing it". I think to myself, "what could I possibly bring to the table that someone else hasn't already done?" I feel like my originality and perspective on life would not be valued. Trapped in a state of fear, I continue to get older without taking steps toward creating the life I truly feel called to.
I love music because it brings me to a place where everything flows. My mind lets go and the words pour out. My heart lets go and I feel completely confident, locked in the moment, ready to share the feelings that have been lingering inside. When I am singing, I feel 100% authentic. I am fully myself. When I am performing I feel strong, capable, and ready for anything. I do not believe that I have some insane talent that the world is in dire need of seeing, but rather a unique perspective on life and human existence that is so often overlooked by the melodramas of daily life.
I question myself out of fear, and this is what holds me back. I not only wonder if I am "good enough", but also if what I have to say would be received or rejected. I fear rejection. It is intimidating to put myself out there but every time I do I feel closer to my truest destiny. I also have a fear that I am getting "too old" to be a successful musician. FYI I am 24. This may sound like a ridiculous fear but it is one that I have let keep me paralyzed. I compare myself to wildly successful artists who have been forging their way through the industry since they were in grade school and I think to myself, "you are way too late. You should have been working for years already. It's pointless to start now, you'll never get to where you want to be before you're too old and no one wants to sign you." Then I take a step back and realize how ridiculous my fears are. Take a deep breath.
I know it seems so simple. Just start. But the thing is, you have to "just start" Every. Single. Day. And that can be overwhelming. Some days I just want to watch movies and eat pizza with my boyfriend, hiding from the world and escaping into fantasy. Other days I wake up ready to kick ass and I achieve more in a couple hours than I have in weeks. It's these binge habits that keep me in this loop. This loop I want to break so badly, knowing I have all the solutions. I have the vision, the drive, the talent... But I am distracted so easily.
Sometimes I try to convince myself to let my dreams go. Let them fly away so I can focus on "more important" things in my life like family, relationships, and creating a sustainable income. But the more I try to forget about this dream of mine the stronger I feel the call to just do it. Give everything else up and only say "yes" to things that will bring me closer to my dream, and start saying "no" to the distractions that take me further. I feel so ready to own my shit and live up to my truest potential.
I have given up on many endeavors throughout my life:
1) I was a gifted athlete in the sports of soccer and basketball throughout my childhood and into high school. I played at a highly competitive level for many years. I had college scholarship offers for both sports by the time I was 17, but after high school I quit playing competitively. Sometimes I look back on that decision and wonder how and why I let such a big part of my life go. I wasn't really burnt out, but I was definitely caught up in pursuing other interests of mine and was more focused on having fun. I wanted a different life, something unique and totally mine. I wanted to party with my friends and travel and go on adventures around the world. Playing at the collegiate level is a full time job, and I was too anxious to see what else was out there. Little did I know that if I had just a smidge of patience, I could have played sports AND seen the world. That the world wasn't going anywhere and I would have plenty of time to explore it. But I quit and haven't looked back, that is until recently...
2) I made it halfway through my junior year of college at Missouri State University then dropped out to move to Colorado o try something new. I was decent at snowboarding, nothing crazy. I lived and worked at ski resorts for 2 seasons and boarded as much as I could. As I got better I began to venture into terrain parks. Little by little I improved, and began to think I could work towards a future in snowboarding. Then one day I hit a gnarly jump and landed wrong. So, so wrong. I got a concussion, tore my rotator cuff on my right shoulder, and royally f*cked up my right hip. This injury took months to recover from, and when I got back on my board I had lost the desire to truly push myself out of fear. I was scared to injure myself that badly again, so I turned to back-country and groomers. I still snowboard and absolutely love me some tree runs on a powder day, but my days in the terrain park become more sporadic. I gave up on my dream of being a competitive boarder (for the best lol) and also gave up on my college education. I dropped out of college because I was bored. I didn't like school anymore and didn't really see the point of continuing to rack up debt if I wasn't even sure who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do when I graduated. I was also an adventure seeker. I craved exploring the new and unknown, and I felt like I couldn't wait any longer. I was about to burst thinking of staying in the same place for 2 more years. So I left.
3) I have turned down several opportunities to make music and perform on stage. At the time I always had some excuse. I was intimidated or busy or tired. I didn't have the stamina to put the real work in. I wanted things to come easily, and when they didn't I backed off. I have had success musically here and there, but I could have had much more. There was always something "more important" going on at the time, and I see now how undervalued I have held my love for singing and song writing throughout my life. I have been writing books, poetry, and songs since I can remember. My parents have countless home videos of me singing my heart out and when I look back on those times and remember that little girl who truly just loved to sing, the fire within me reignites and I think, "What am I waiting for?!"
4) I have given up on my personal health and well-being time and time again. I have struggled with emotional issues since early high school. It has been a long journey (still on it) to finding health and balance mentally. There have been many times I thought I had found the solution to my problems, only for them to resurface time and time again. At first I thought therapy and medicine was the answer. Then I learned how scary prescription meds can be and I wanted to find a more natural solution, one that I had to discover and work for. A solution that didn't come in a bottle. I wanted a real solution that cured me from the inside out, not one that simply covered up my symptoms. I found psychedelics, which opened my mind to an entirely new way of thinking, and I began to re-wire my brain. However, I fell too deeply into the psychedelic realm and began to rely on the substances that were once my medicine. I was no longer happy with my reality, and only felt true love and acceptance of myself and the world while I was tripping. This led me further still. I then found massage therapy, yoga, meditation, lucid dreaming, and dance. I fell in love with these holistic practices hard and nearly gave up every other aspect of my life entirely. I believed every word I heard from people who studied naturopathy, holistic health, TCM, Eastern Medicine, Energy Healing, etc. I rejected Western Medicine and began to believe that I had to be a van-living, hippie child, vegan in order to be happy. (FYI I still love these parts of myself and will never deny that this was a great way to live). But still, something was missing. Like I wasn't fully living in reality. It began to get hard for me to accept myself when I ate the wrong thing or didn't go to yoga or spent a whole day inside. I began to resent myself for my mistakes and continued to strive for perfection. I wanted everyone else to adopt the ways of thinking that I had as well. I wanted everyone to see how wrong their brainwashed ways of thinking were and then change with me. Not seeing that I was just as brainwashed by my own will. I wanted people to see how good it felt to connect with your body, mind, and soul (still do), but I felt like I couldn't truly be satisfied until everyone else was on that same page with me. What I ended up realizing, however, was how selfish that way of living is. It is not my job to change the world, but to live my life according to me and let the rest fall into place. I was missing out on so much FUN because I was mentally so restrictive. I wasn't able to get to know people without judgment because I was constantly judging myself and everyone around me. Sizing them up, wanting them to be like me, or if I thought they were better than me, wanting to change to be like them. HOW VAIN IS THAT?! To think that one way of life is so correct that it must be the solution for EVERYONE?? So ridiculous. Anyways, I then started to reject much of the holistic practices I had studied and implemented and began to slip into another way of living.
A way of balance. Now, I am in no way saying I've found it THE SOLUTION to life or my problems. Because truthfully, there isn't one. There is a new solution to be found EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Because there are new problems that surface EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Now, many of these problems and solutions may be similar and you may begin to notice a pattern with yourself, as I have. And with these pattern recognitions one can truly begin to understand the best path to take in each moment. But all of it comes from the desire to find the most authentic path for YOU. It comes from accepting yourself from the shittiest parts you try to hide to the shiniest parts you try to show. Mental health is cultivated through a consistent desire to love and care for yourself. Sometimes self-care does look like yoga, massage therapy, healthy eating, and exercise. Sometimes it looks like watching movies all day or sleeping for 18 hours. The care you give is up to YOU. But my suggestion is to do more of the things that make you feel good and less of the things that make you feel like shit. Simple right? Well, yes and no. Sometimes it's hard to see that something makes us feel bad because perhaps we already feel bad. Or perhaps we are addicted to the "hurts so good" feeling on a mental and emotional level. But the point is, it's never too late.
Yes, that is the point. The point that I need reminding of today, and many days. It's never too late. If you have given up on yourself in some aspect of your life and regret it, or you never tried something and regret it, then what is stopping you?! FUCKING GO FOR IT!!! And to those of you who never have those questions of regret, those thoughts of doubt, you are fucking amazing and I love you. I truly wish I was as carefree as I strive to be. I deeply admire those who are in touch with their warm, gooey, calm center and remain there, unwavering, unaltered by the chaos around them or the success of others. Those who are free of the comparison mindset truly do know freedom. And I am on my way. Not sure how long the journey will be, but I'm assuming it could be for the rest of my life, and that is okay, too. The important thing is that I am moving, baby step by baby step, into the life I am creating for myself. The life I deserve. The life I am living.
We only have one. Fucking send it!!!